Best Kept Secret
by Loyal Integra Fanboy
Summary: The Best Kept Secret is not, as some would believe, the vampire Alucard. In fact it has four wheels, goes very fast, and has just been found by Alucard...


'What do you mean you can't find him?' Integra demanded. She was furious, again. She stood up and banged her fist on the table. 'How could you lose him like that?' She fumed at Walter, who did not flinch at her yelling or fist-pounding. She lit a cigar, and idly flicked the ash onto the floor. Walter made a mental note to sweep that up later. Quietly, calmly and efficiently the butler of the Hellsing family spoke:

'I mean, Sir Integra, that he's not within the grounds of the Hellsing manor.' She never fazed him. He had known her for far too long.

'That bastard!' Pound went her fist. More ash flew anywhere but into the ashtray. 'I specifically ordered him to stay on the grounds, Damn it!'

'I'm afraid I've had the whole place searched from top to bottom, Sir Integra, and there is no sign of him.'

'That doesn't surprise me,' Integra muttered. 'I hate it when he does this. Do you remember the last time he went gallivanting around on his own?'

Walter nodded wearily.

'Just because he was 'bored'. Ha! His boredom cost me a hundred thousand pounds in damage! They never did reopen that arcade again, you know.'

It had started as a night of innocent fun. Alucard had wanted to know what was so fascinating about those game machines that everyone in the country seemed to love pouring their money into on a regular basis. Not only did his presence in the arcade scare the socks off all the kids there, but he proceeded to put a bullet into every machine that he lost the game on. Which just so happened to be all of them. Seras had to be called up to bring her master home, and upon arrival back at the manor, he explained to Integra that he 'was bored'. She vowed never to let him out again.

Nevertheless, of course, he had snuck off again, obviously in the pursuit of something to stimulate his mind. However, thanks to his vague understanding of the new modern world around him, everything was stimulating, intriguing and exciting. That was the problem – he could get carried away far too easily.

'Get Seras. I need her to help find him.' Integra demanded.

'Uh, Sir Integra – I was meaning to tell you – '

'Yes?'

'We cant find her, either.'

'I'm surrounded by bloody idiots!' Integra bellowed. She only bellowed all the louder when an on-duty soldier poked his head around the door, and said:

'Sir Integra, one of the cars is missing from the garage.'

* * *

'Master, please stop!'

'I think I have got the hang of this now, it's really quite simple.'

The best kept secret of the Hellsing Organisation is not, as some like to think, the vampire Alucard. This is indeed very wrong. The best kept secret of the Hellsing Organisation is in fact the beautiful, sleek and powerful Porsche kept in the garage. Although more accustomed to being chauffeur-driven, Integra still appreciated the joys of driving. The wind in the hair, the Gerry Rafferty playing on the stereo, revving the engine at traffic lights, and so on. Sadly, for Integra, these jaunts out on the open country roads outside of London were few and far between, what with recent invasions from all sorts of creatures, and a short spell in prison. Normal things that keep a woman from her leisurely pursuits. The car had been left neglected for some time in the garage. Until very recently.

Alucard took the best kept secret of the Hellsing Organisation up to about one hundred and ten miles an hour, and snaked wildly all over the road. The headlights illuminated the night-time road ahead, showing up trees, fences and one startled deer. How he managed to avoid hitting any of these was a frightening mystery to Seras.

'Please, Master, stop the car…!' she said, terrified.

'Quit whining you coward. Isn't this just a thrill?' Alucard said gleefully. 'I mean, I think my way of travel is far better, but this is just too much!' He swerved into the adjacent lane, into the path of a tractor, which he missed by what seemed like mere inches to Seras, who squealed in terror.

'Master! You're going to kill…' she realised what she was about to say was pointless, '…I mean, you'll damage the car!'

'No I won't. What does this do again?' he gestured to the handbrake and was about to pull it.

'No! For God's sake, don't pull that.' He'd already almost destroyed the car, putting his foot down straight away when he drove the car out of the garage, not changing gear at all. Seras had only made him stop when he said 'What's that burning smell?' She gave him a quick lesson on changing gear, and they were off again. Not as if he needed the lower gears – he was on the top one, and had been constantly, thrashing the Porsche around at break-neck speed.

'Maybe I should take over the driving for a while?' she helpfully suggested.

'Ha. I see, it's like that is it?' Alucard said grumpily. 'You just wanted the fun for yourself.'

'Oh, believe me, Master, I'm not having fun here!'

'I didn't force you to come with me,' he grinned maniacally as he caused a car to swerve into a ditch.

'Actually, Master, you did.' She didn't want to suck up his attention. He needed to be looking at the road. Instead she bit her lip and gripped at the seat, eyes staring wide at the illuminating road ahead.

Alucard laughed maniacally as a very surprised looking deer bounced ungracefully over the bonnet. Seras squealed and cowered in the chair.

'Stop being such a child,' Alucard ordered.

'What if we crash?' she hollered back.

'Well you can't die a second time, Police Girl.'

'Very funny.' She scowled. She hoped he'd get bored of it soon enough. Just as long as the car was returned undamaged, everything would be fine. She also hoped they wouldn't make it as far as the city – she dreaded to think of the untold damage he could wreak there.

'What do you suppose they want?' Alucard mused, looking in the rear view mirror. Seras turned to see the familiar red and blue lights of a police car through the rear window.

'Perfect,' she said grumpily. 'The police. How are we going to explain this one?'

'Explain? What for?'

'Well, we are going to pull over, aren't we?'

'No.'

She knew he'd say that.

'I have better ways of dealing with this sort of thing,' Alucard bragged. He pulled his Jackal out of his coat.

'Master, NO!' Seras screamed, eyes wide.

'Just watch,' said Alucard. Calmly he wound the window down, absently pointed the gun at the police car without taking his eyes off the road, and fired. The front tyre of the pursuing vehicle exploded, sending it swerving into a ditch.

'Easy.' Alucard said as he wound the window back up again.

* * *

'Sir Integra, I think you might need to see this!' Walter announced, scurrying into the room, handing her a pocket television.

'What is it?'

'You'll see.'

Integra looked at the screen and turned the volume dial up. The broadcast spoke out of the tiny speakers:

'…in pursuit of a Porsche Carrera, which moments ago failed to stop for police, and opened fire on a police car. Presumably this is a stolen vehicle, and the driver is described as extremely dangerous.'

Integra's eyes widened.

'These pictures are coming to you live from the aerial unit pursuing the stolen vehicle. Police hope to stop the fugitive before he reaches the busy street of the city.'

'My car!' Integra fumed.

'And, your vampires, Sir Integra,' Walter calmly added.

'This is an outrage!' Integra threw the TV to the ground, smashing it. 'Do you know what I'll do to those two when I… I… Argh! Scramble the helicopter immediately!'

* * *

Seras looked back again. Three cars this time, and a helicopter ahead. Oh bloody Hell.

'Please, Master, just stop the car, let me out! This has gone too far.'

'This,' corrected the ancient super-vampire, 'is fun.'

'See what you have done?' cried Seras, 'we have another helicopter following us now. That's probably the army, or the air force, come to blow this car up or something.'

Alucard's eyes lit up. 'Excellent…'

'I recognise that chopper…' Seras continued. After a brief moment she sat back down and faced forward, her face a picture of dread.

'Well it's not the army,' she announced.

'The air force?' Alucard asked hopefully.

'Not the air force.' Seras said bleakly. The helicopter dropped down to almost ground level, and closed in on the car.

'What then?'

'Something a whole lot worse…'

'ALUCARD!'

* * *

'This is incredible, viewers, what we are witnessing here is another helicopter joining the chase,' said the TV report in every home in England: 'now this helicopter is not another law enforcement unit, or the army, or the air force, but – this is amazing! – actually seems to be the owner of the stolen car! We'll go over to the live sound broadcast now:'

* * *

'ALUCARD!' boomed through the helicopter's powerful PA system, 'Turn this car around at once!'

Seras wound down the window and leaned out, arms up in a surrender. 'Please, Sir Integra, I swear I had nothing to do with this! He made me get in the car!'

'As for YOU, Miss Victoria,' yelled Integra, 'I haven't even begun to think what I should do to you.'

Seras sat back down, and gulped hard. I'm fired, she thought, definitely fired.

center /center

'The plot thickens, viewers. It seems that the driver also holds a hostage, a young woman. What you a re witnessing here it a daring rescue attempt by the occupants of the helicopter, which is now side by side with the fleeing car. This truly is a most incredible day for TV journalism.'

* * *

'I've had it with him, Walter.' Integra sighed. 'Stop that car now!'

'As you wish, Sir Integra,' Walter said, handing over controls to the co-pilot and taking up position with a rifle at the window. He fired at the tyres, which burst and sent the Porsche skidding to a halt.

'Thank you, Walter,' Integra said with a smirk.

* * *

Seras was dazed. She saw through the broken glass that the car was now surrounded by police officers all pointing guns. She was also very aware that Alucard was gone. A short distance away, the Hellsing helicopter landed. She clambered from the wrecked car, and was instantly grabbed by a police officer, who threw a blanket over her and reassured her that her kidnap ordeal was all over.

'Kidnap…?'

'I'll take it from here!' she heard Integra's voice and froze.

'Yes, Sir Hellsing!' She heard the police men stand down.

'Seras Victoria!' Seras whirled around to see the Iron Maiden herself with a very grim expression.

'Um, excuse me?' Seras said to the police officer, 'Can you do me a favour?'

'…What's that, miss?'

'Um… could you arrest me? Please?'

END


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